Day 6 – Santa’s Not To-Do List

As a famous character actor I need to really decide what type of Santa I am. So I made a small collage of Santa’s I shouldn’t be.
Day 6 - Sutton Santa's Not To Be

And here is a list of guidelines and rules for my Santa:
1) No drinking to excess. I mean of course I can take a little nip from some spiked nog, but being a fall down drunk Santa (see “Bad Santa”) is not the wink and nod that I want to give to the ancestry of St. Nicks.

2) As much fun as it might sound, trying out a chimney might be construed as trespassing in real life.

3) Thankfully most of my gigs are for adults and that means whatever happens in Chicago stays in Chicago. Any sort of shady Santa activities will remain a secret from Mrs. Claus.

4) The Santa and lap sitter relationship is a sacred one. It is a bond that I shall not desecrate with inappropriate touching of adult women. The touching will all be done under the mistletoe.

5) I shall not let any cougar go un-hit-on. Cougars like Santa right?

Also, I know that this whole “Sarah’s going to transform herself into Santa for little amounts of money” is a little strange. But I promise not to become this guy.

North Pole News Post #1)
I have my first official paying Santa gig this Friday. I’m the surprise for a work party, and it is NOT the Burnett Breakfast, believe me, I wish it was. Anyways, I have plenty of dirty Santa jokes, dirty lap dance jokes, and plenty of dirty dirty things to pass out.

North Pole News Post #2)
The Halsted’s Bar + Grill event has been moved to Friday, December 16th. ALSO, I will be bringing Santa’s little helper, aka Mistress, who will be taking photos at the Snaps with Santa Photo Booth. Come one, come all, get your photo taken on Santa’s Lap and I’ll post those photos on my blog.

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Day 5 – Santa’s Reindeer Games

Today I got a bit nervous about transforming myself into the best darn lesbian Santa you’ve ever known. I realized that Santa is overweight, older, a bit judgy, he spies on little children and is married to a large unemployed woman. I don’t know how far away from me that description could get (Although, maybe a large unemployed woman is in my future? *insert shrugged shoulders here*). He also requires people to sit on his lap and tell him the thing that they most desire. I mean, I’m a pretty good actress but not THAT good. As far as my internal battle goes I’ll just have to focus on the joy that this strange psuedo-pedophile type man brings to the world.

I figure that the more knowledge I have on Santa the more confident I will be so for my Santa Studies I headed over to the interwebs and quizzed myself on all things Reindeer. I am ashamed to admit this, but I scored low on the Reindeer Names quiz, 5 out of 9. In my defense, it was timed and I was nervous. I decided to give each Reindeer a personality to help me remember which ones are which. Below is how I imagine my reindeer would look, a bunch of hooligan’s that like to sing, play reindeer games and apparently nap (Dasher).

Reindeer Names

Dasher – It’s like when you name the tallest guy you know Little Bob. His name is “ironic,” he’s as slow as molasses and sleeps all the time.
Dancer – Very flexible. The best dancer by far and she knows it, it definitely gets to her head.
Prancer – My gay prince. Always a little light in the hooves.
Vixen – Besties with Dancer. They go out and paint the town red and green.
Comet – I was going to say something about him being really fast but I guess I won’t go there. Likes to clean.
Cupid – Another ironic name, he was very awkward and pimply when he was a teenager.
DonDER (Not Donner, who know???!) – Likes to ponder. And is always a little “in his head” if you know what I mean.
Blitzen – I’m sure you can guess it, man is this guy a lush. He got so drunk at the last Christmas work party that he peed in Vixen’s room.
Rudolph – Duh. Also, my main wingman when I go out to cookie and milk bars.

I’m currently watching the Grinch for tomorrow’s post on things NOT to do as Santa.

Day 4 – Santa Got His Stocking Stuffed

Well, that’s not totally true, I just thought it sounded kinda dirty and fun. I did however practice different fat suit stuffings today. I read a few blogs, watched a few  videos and then promptly decided that that was way to much work for a Sunday. So I took every kind of stuffing material I could find and laid it all out like a fat suit aresenal. In years previous I’ve taken one throw pillow and wrapped it around my midsection with a scarf. Well now that I’m a professional (Have I mentioned I have PAYING gigs? That means it’s technically a job which should go on a resume, more on that later.), I thought it best to up my game. I learned that the best fat suit stuffings are the ones where the fat ‘settles’ around the lower midsection and not to overlook stuff, like Santa’s Rein-rear (yeah, I went there).

The padding I like so far consists of pillows, scarves and a tshirt holding it all together. I added probably a little bit too much junk to my trunk because I’m feeling a little bit more like a “sassy diva” Santa rather than a “jolly, possibly diabetic, old man” Santa. The only problem I have now is when I sit down the ‘fat’ doesn’t go with me, it kinda just jams up into my chin like a backwards turtle shell. Oh, the trials and tribulations of our jobs.


Other things I have learned while boning up on all things Santa are the following:

Elfs are anywhere between 150(“Elf”) and 900(“The Santa Claus”) years old. One movie even insinuated that they were potentially tens of thousands of years old. I’ve decided my Elves are 500 just old enough to be antique and timely, but still a bit young in magic years.

The character Vern in “Ernest Saves Christmas” is the viewer, as in, you are Vern. I never thought I’d have anything in common with Ernest, but he also likes to dress up in Fat Drag. His costume is his over-weight mother.

There are a lot of rules that Santa must abide by. These are just a few:

  • must find a Mrs. Claus or Christmas ceases to exist
  • must pass the torch by midnight
  • cannot be lactose intolorant


 

Day 3 – Santa Sutton Vs. Siri

For my Santa Studies today I thought I would read through the poem, “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” I remember it being rich with Santa descriptions. Well, I happened to be waiting for someone in my car so I decide to ask my new iPhone’s Siri to find me the poem. You know what I learned?

1) Siri does not understand me for crap! That simple command took me 5 minutes! The time it took to get frustrated with that little lady was obviously longer than it would have taken for me to just google it myself. After the 5th try it became a matter of principle that I was going to use this damn Siri thing.

2) Man! That poem is long! And it’s full of great Santa info. I learned something about his bowl full of jelly, he’s a pipe smoker (hopefully just tobacco, he shouldn’t be driving a sleigh while under the influence of medicinal marijuana), and in this description his beard is pure white, not grey and wiry like in Elf. And I believe this to be one of the Holy Grail’s of Santa descriptions.

Well, I decided to document my learnings via a video. I asked Siri to record and then dictate as I read. Note, I edited that story to the stanzas that mention what Santa is like.  After that, I re-recorded it using the lovely script, via iPhone Notes, that Siri provided me with. As you can see, Siri and I are having communication issues. If you get bored of the normal version skip to 1:40 for the Siri edited version, or heck, read Siri’s transcript below the video.

Twas the night before Christmas when alter the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
The stockings wert hung by the chimney with Claire
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon woods be there

With a little old driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be say net
More rapid than eagles his courses they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them my name

Now – are now dancer now printer and vixen
On comment on Cupid on on Donner and bullets in
The top of the porch to the top of the wall
– away – away – away all

He was dressed all in for from head to his foot
And his close we’re all tarnished with ashes and set
A bundle of toys get flung on his back
And he looked like a Pedler just opening his packet

His eyes how they twinkled his dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses his nose like a cherry’s
Job little mouth was drawn like a boat
And the Beard of his chin was as white as the snow

The stump of a pipe you help tighten his teeth
This in the smoke it encircled his head like Aretes
He had a broad face in a little browned belly
That shook when he left like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump a right jolly old self
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself
A winking his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

He spoke not a word but went straight to is working
Filled all the stockings them turned with a jerk
And laying his finger a side of his nose
And giving anon up a chimney he rose

He’s bring to his way to his team gave a whistle
And away Dailsville like the download but this’ll
But I heard him explain ere he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all into all good night

Day 2 – Santa’s Christmas List

Did anyone ever think about what Santa wants for Christmas? Does he really want milk and cookies? Or is he into materialistic things and has an up-to-date amazon.com wishlist? Well, I know one things for sure, this Santa has a wish list. I’ve been boning up on Santa gear and I realized that my suit is good, it’s just not GREAT. Over the last 10 years I’ve been the family Santa Claus (due to lack of male adults in the family) and I’ve had a few suit and beard upgrades, as evidenced by my hats. The first was a rough cheap material that could stick straight up. The second was a huge upgrade, but still a little chinsy, the white fur was shorter and a little course. Now, the third is a charmer, fluffy for days.

Santa Hat Progression
So that brings me to Santa Sutton’s Christmas list. I know it’s a pipe dream, but man a nicer suit and boots would really put me into a professional realm. Ok, that, and a deeper voice. Well, here’s to wishing that one day a suit to be donated to me that looks a little something like this.

Jealous of that trimming.

Day 1 – Santa Studies

I began my Santa Studies today with more thorough look at the movie Elf. I learned many things from Buddy’s friend Santa. Here is a list of things I wrote down after rewatching the movie.

  • Santa seems to be of Scandinavian descent, you can tell by his interior decorating.
  • This Santa is bald on top with wiry grey hair, hmm… curious. I’m more of a “full head of luxurious white fluffy hair” Santa.
  • Will Ferrel is really tall.
  • Padding reference. Santa is larger, but not obese.

I can’t give away all of the trade secrets, but here’s a photo of me studying.
Elf - Rewatching for the 300th time.

17 (or 25) Days of Santa Sutton

I have a full 17 days to prepare to become the best seasonal drag king lesbian Santa in the world, or at least in the greater Chicagoland area. I have a “gig” on Saturday, December 17th at Halsted’s Bar and Grill. I will be posting my Santa studies, progress and excitement here daily until the big day. And if you get lucky I’ll continue onto my next big gig, Christmas.

And don’t you worry, this isn’t any ordinary G-Rated Santa, I have a touch of Bad Santa mixed with Fred Claus, just the perfect mix of seasonal and sleazy holiday cheer.
Do you want the Naughty or the Nice package?

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