For my Santa Studies today I decided to re-watch A Christmas Carol. That Ebeneezer Scrooge sure is a mean mean old man. So it made me think, I wonder if Santa is a scrooge about anything. I made a list of the things that I think that the real Santa does not like.
The Real Santa’s Dislikes List
- Lazy Elves – Those lame bastards. Elves were put on this earth to build toys and to squeeze into tight places. If they aren’t building toys they are just wasting North Pole resources.
- Facial Wind Burns – Flying around the globe in one night, year in and year out, the wind burn from Christmas Eve is the most brutal you’ve ever seen. Santa absolutely loathes is how red his checks and nose get. People always think this is a cute little detail about Santa but he has really tried everything to get it to go away. He uses extra-strength Vaseline, Burt’s Bees and even prescription strength Rosacea medication but alas, his cheeks and nose will always be wind burned.
- Mansions – Some mansions have multiple fireplaces and multiple chimneys. These monstrosities take precious minutes for Santa to find the correct Chimney, and then to find the correct Christmas Tree. Some of these houses have 3-4 trees!
- Mrs. Claus during Swim Season – Santa loves Mrs. Claus with all his heart, but man o’ man does that woman get crazy during the swim suit months. I mean, do I even need to go into details on this one?
- Vegan, Gluten-Free, Dairy Free, Sugar Free, Fun Free Cookies – Santa remembers the days when there was whole milk, and butter filled cookies, now there’s all this hippy-dippy stuff. His bowl full of jelly doesn’t agree with all those lame substitutes.
- Easter – What kind of holiday mascot is an Easter Bunny? I mean, you can track the history of Santa Claus to several different origins, and he seems to fit with the holiday; giving, birth, peace and will towards man. Santa embodies all that crap. But the Easter Bunny? How in the hell does he symbolize Jesus rising? And eggs? Egg hunts? What kind of crap is that? Santa and the Easter Bunny have a notorious life-long feud going on. Heck, just google Santa Vs. Easter Bunny and this is what you get.
Things Santa Sutton dislikes about being Santa:
- The Heat – That suit is just so incredibly steamy. Add layers of clothing, padding, make-up, plastic beard and wig and you might as well put me in a sauna. I was really flattered when one lady at my other gig told me that I had sweat through my suit jacket. It’s just that those clothes were made for the North Pole, not balmy Chicago.
- The Inaccessibility of Bathrooms – Or it’s just the inaccessibility to being able to get out of the suit to go to the restroom.
- Not Knowing Where I’m Walking – Usually I can see my feet, in the Santa Suit I cannot see my feet. Every once and awhile I will second guess a step and just looking down to see where my feet are going puts me off balance. I have not fallen yet. I will keep you posted if that were to happen*
- The People Who Pretend Not to Notice Santa – Oh Come on. I know you want to look. Just look, smile and be merry. You don’t have to pretend not to make eye contact when we walk down the sidewalk. Be friendly you assholes.
And to prove that I am not the most manly person around I am now watching Love Actually and my heart is melting. “Christmas is all around me. And so the feeling grows.” I love to hate that song in the movie.
In other news, FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY Halsted’s Bar + Grill, come visit, 9-11pm. Come sit on me, hit on me, buy me a hot cocoa and have a jolly ol’ time.
*In High School I had an inner ear infection and it happened to mess with my balance and gave me vertigo. There were maybe 3 or 4 times where I would be standing minding my own business when I would get really dizzy and fall over. As in, fall over while standing. Not any kinda of fall or anything, just, I’m there one second and on the ground the next. Luckily this only lasted a month or two.