Today I got a bit nervous about transforming myself into the best darn lesbian Santa you’ve ever known. I realized that Santa is overweight, older, a bit judgy, he spies on little children and is married to a large unemployed woman. I don’t know how far away from me that description could get (Although, maybe a large unemployed woman is in my future? *insert shrugged shoulders here*). He also requires people to sit on his lap and tell him the thing that they most desire. I mean, I’m a pretty good actress but not THAT good. As far as my internal battle goes I’ll just have to focus on the joy that this strange psuedo-pedophile type man brings to the world.
I figure that the more knowledge I have on Santa the more confident I will be so for my Santa Studies I headed over to the interwebs and quizzed myself on all things Reindeer. I am ashamed to admit this, but I scored low on the Reindeer Names quiz, 5 out of 9. In my defense, it was timed and I was nervous. I decided to give each Reindeer a personality to help me remember which ones are which. Below is how I imagine my reindeer would look, a bunch of hooligan’s that like to sing, play reindeer games and apparently nap (Dasher).
Dasher – It’s like when you name the tallest guy you know Little Bob. His name is “ironic,” he’s as slow as molasses and sleeps all the time.
Dancer – Very flexible. The best dancer by far and she knows it, it definitely gets to her head.
Prancer – My gay prince. Always a little light in the hooves.
Vixen – Besties with Dancer. They go out and paint the town red and green.
Comet – I was going to say something about him being really fast but I guess I won’t go there. Likes to clean.
Cupid – Another ironic name, he was very awkward and pimply when he was a teenager.
DonDER (Not Donner, who know???!) – Likes to ponder. And is always a little “in his head” if you know what I mean.
Blitzen – I’m sure you can guess it, man is this guy a lush. He got so drunk at the last Christmas work party that he peed in Vixen’s room.
Rudolph – Duh. Also, my main wingman when I go out to cookie and milk bars.
I’m currently watching the Grinch for tomorrow’s post on things NOT to do as Santa.