Today’s Santa Sutton blog will be focused on the details of things that you would never really think about if you weren’t becoming a drag king Santa. Things such as, how in the world will I go to the bathroom once I leave my house? I mean, first of all, I have TONS of clothing on, padding, straps, safety pins, all sorts of things to get through. But my main concern is this; I’m a pretty convincing dude, until I talk, so will I be walking into Women’s bathrooms and concerning bar patrons? I mean, if you saw a Santa walking into the women’s bathroom you’d be a little concerned right? So what does that leave me with? I could go into the men’s room but I think that would be a little bit more awkward for me (I’m giggling out loud picturing myself as Santa in a men’s room looking like a deer in headlights.) I guess I’ll just have to announce myself as I enter all public restrooms as Santa, “HO HO HO! Santa’s a woman that’s got to go!” I’ll have to work on that.
Another concern was how do I get to my gigs, obviously I usually have the sleigh and reindeer but they are getting their pre-Christmas tune-ups, massages and training runs in. Here in Chicago do I take the CTA? I don’t think so. I think that one of my expenses as a Santa without a sleigh should be cab fares. The Halsted’s gig is literally 4 blocks away from my house (by “house” I mean the “North Chicago Pole Office”), so I get to do a 4 block trial run prior to my gig.
What if some drunk scrooge decides to mess with my beard and wig? I will just like you to know that I’ve been undergoing some experimental treatment to cure an addiction to cookies and milk. My problem is that part of my job requires me to have milk and cookies, but that just fuels the addiction. This experimental treatment entails a medicinal beta-blocker cocktail that’s allows me to eat cookies and milk only briefly in December. The downside to the treatment is that I have lost all of my long flowing white locks of hair. So please, if you come to an event, don’t pull off my wig and beard, Mrs. Claus and I have had a very rough year dealing with my physical transformation.
What if I’m not naughty enough for the Naughty Package? Who am I kidding, I’m Santa Sutton, I’ll naughty it up all night. Any ideas of naughty things that I can tell people I’m going to get them instead of a real present?
There is just so much to think of before Friday.
Also, to prove how long I’ve been doing this, I went through my gear again last night and found my first wig and beard, I’m currently on my third*. The first picture is supposed to be more of a cartoon type Santa, but it ended up more like “Dreaded-Rasta-Yosemite-Sam” Santa. The second is my current luscious treatment beard. Thoughts?
*The second wig and beard were actually never worn by me, they were hand-me downs and reeked of cigarette smoke. Carly and I decided to put them in the dryer with a fabric softener sheet on the lowest setting for 5 minutes, but we forgot about them in there. By the time we got them out they were basically melted to each other. We spent hours trying to afro pick the plasticy hair apart but it was a lost cause. The End.